Sincerity in religion.(esp prayers)

Why do i post this? Well, it is because of one little arguments with my mom and it makes me think about me and my relationship/standing/values about religion. (yes mom, i am your stubborn anak lelaki)

Earlier yesterday(technically cos its way past 12am already!!!!), my mom ask me to go temple along with her cos a very respected deity/monk/priest/whatever is coming to Kuching. Of course my very natural reaction was "NO". Then she goes "Can't you just do pray for your parent?" (something close to this) and bringing the wrongsaying that i did last night, and also the "your parents is quite old already, you never know......" line.

Then being a stubborn person like me, I replied to her: "If i am not going there willingly, then all my prayers will be insincere and it will never be realised!!!!" Then she replied back: "Then bring up some willingness to go there and pray!!!!!" I think i end the whole conversation with this: "I believe all prayers and blessings should be done with our own will and not after being asked by people other than yourself. Its insincere!!!!"

In the end...........

.......She broke into tears.........

Now i feel like a DISLOYAL son. I am feeling very, VERY guilty now. (ya, bedebahnya saya)

Seriously, It clashes with my personal ideal and stand regarding religion. I personally believe that practice of religion esp prayers should be done with our own will with true, pure and sincere heart. Everytime whenever my friends and relatives invites me to go to church or temple, i have hesitation and i refuse because it is not what i want, its like i am doing it because of other people ask me so and in the end even if i go there, all my prayers will be insincere because technically i does not come from my own willingness. Same thing applies to other people, if they can't do prayers with true sincerity then don't bother to do so because it will only taint their religions with lies and insincerity. I also believe that if we have the will to do prayers, we can do it anytime and any place we want because it is sincere, it will be blessed by god and it will be realised. I never like religion with rigid prayer days and such because it makes me question their sincerity on whether they do it because they wanted to or just because: "ohh its prayers time AGAIN *sigh* lets go....." type.

So, the question to myself now is: Do i have enough willingness to do so? NOW, I really need to dig deep to into my own heart to check my own sincerity(go to temple with mom) and reflect about my own ideal..........MOM vs IDEAL. (the hardest question ever)