Grad Students' Existential Crisis...

...as illustrated by the ever spot on, de-ja-vu-esque PHD Comics: Piled Higher and Deeper. It's so de-ja-vu-esque that it gave me goosebump and shudder.

...whatever choice you made, it's going to have its fair share of shit to waddle through.

I had been in a gutter for the whole year now so when is it going to end? Will I ever get back to work?

On a side note I had quite a crippling episode of existential crisis last night. In fact, I actually came quite close to the tipping point of breaking down into a sobbing puddle of self-loathing antisocial recluse. This uncontrollable fear, this rapid heart beat, the feeling of letting out a loud, painful "aaaarrrrrrrgggggh". I was panicking, pacing around my room, alternating between grabbing my head, clenching my chest and uncontrollable arm movement. My chest is tightening in despair and disgust.

What the hell am I doing? What's next? What should I do? When is this going to end? Why am I doing this?

I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know what's the end is going to be...and that scares me.

I hate this feeling.

In the end, I tried to gather whatever that's left with my totally drained thought and sanity, went around digging out papers and references relevant, set it aside my bed, went to bath, coming back to my laptop to distract myself from the despair before going to sleep...not without mild headache and endless rolling, waking up a few times in early morning in the process.

All of this, triggered by an email asking about my progress and a needless, tedious, nerve-wrecking, demotivating red tape of a form which will deliver even more crippling paralysis to whatever tiny amount of progress I made. If this didn't solve by next week...I will have a reason to go for the coming Officer-Student Meet and Greet Teh Tarik Session next week.