A conversation with inner self.

Inner me: Hello, me! How's life recently?

Me: Still hanging alive, trying to synchronized back into the pace of uni life...hopefully.

Inner me: Hopefully? Hmm...that sounds fairly negative to me. Care to enlighten abit?

Me: ...Its...nothing much lar really. Its just that...I think...the pace of my life is kinda faster now...

Inner me: But you do know that you are a 2nd year student now and 2nd year are suppose to be the BUSIEST and HARDEST year in your uni life...of course the pace will be faster!

Me: OF COURSE I KNOW! Its just that...you see, unlike my first year, currently I am involved in societies' activities for example Humanities Student Society and and BATI Club. Besides that, Being a PPMS means that university will call you up anytime for any university functions, for example like Variasiswa that I am in now...

Other me: Hmm... *slightly not amused*

Me: In fact, I haven't come up with the proposal yet about one of the project that I am heading...and I feel like terminate it even before it starts...it is just plain annoying going up and down the Student Affair and Development mingling with the red tape...

Other me: Hmm...*cock eyebrow*

Me: The assignment will start pouring in any time now...and we are still having meeting like every week?! This is just plain tiring!

Other me: *Cough* Wait, there is one thing that I would like to know though: WHY THE HELL YOU VOLUNTEERED FOR THE JOB ANYWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

Me: *slightly annoyed* Technically, I DIDN'T. Its just that other people nominated me...

Other me: And you didn't reject it, DID YOU?

Me: *stutter* Urm...uh...well...because that time I didn't have much reason to reject it and I didn't put up much resistance...I mean, getting a position is...is fine right? But I did tried to make my nomination speech as uneventful and underachieving(because that's what I am) in anyway possible but still, I am still elected...

Other me: And you still accepted the job without much resistance in the end...

Me: Maybe its the nature of being a leader with all those responsibility and duty and whatever crap that come that is causing my rejection now...

Other me: Don't tell me you TOTALLY DIDN'T ANTICIPATE THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT COMES WITH YOU JOB?!

Me: *desperate* I did tried OK? I did...its just that...I guess...you will only know it when you are IN IT...you know me right? I NEVER GOT MYSELF IN A LEADERSHIP BACK THEN AND YOU WANT ME TO SHAPE UP NOW?! I afraid...I CAN'T...

Other me: *annoyed* Seriously...you SUCK as a leader...

Me: *snap* What are you saying?!

Other me: I mean, you are afraid of responsibility, you can't handle pressure and basically rejecting the nature of being a leader. Seriously, you are NOT A LEADER MATERIAL.

Me:...

Other me: And you are still hogging the job? Why don't you just QUIT IT and retreat yourself in your little world of yours. You are SOOOO gonna WITHER and CRUSHED by pressure once you enter the working world!

Me:...enough already...

Other me: Hmm? Afraid of the TRUTH? THE HARSH REALITY?

Me: Shut up...

Other me: If you want me to shut up, prove to me you can beat all that! PROVE TO ME THAT YOU CAN CHANGE!!!!!!!

Me:...JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! *sobbing*

Other me: *struck* *feeling sorry* *rubbing forehead* Fine then if you don't want to listen to me now. I just hope that you won't have any regret on any decision that you made in the future. I can't exactly help you much because its you that lead your own life...and other people might not even be as nice as I do...most importantly, I am only an imaginary version of you which exist in your mind only when you want to. But I will pop up from time to time just to visit you!

Me: ...so you do know you are just a fragment of my imagination.

Other me: *stick tongue out* Like you alway says, WHO CARES? *poof into thin air*

Me: *Dazed*

-OK people, I do know the ending of the conversation was kinda sudden and sucked.-

The above conversation with inner self is just a snippet of what other people always says to me. And to tell you the truth, it really PERTURBED me when I am writing all these stuff. The other me represents the more confident and straightforward (and downright cynical) side of me, the version of "me" that all the other people around me always wants me to be. And then there is me. The inner me and I do shares some common characteristic but other than that, we are each a distinct entity from one another. From time to time though, the inner me will appears on surface though and that's the time that I will look really different. *and you know, the inner me is actually way slimmer and sexier than me now.* *leer at inner me*

Random people from the side: Do you have...split personality? *shudder in fear*

NO LAR!!! Its just that I have a really active imagination and all of this functions as device to bring out the essence of the thing that I want to say.

But yeah, most of the thing that I said above is pretty true to myself that I do scared of responsibility and such. But what I really don't like is the other people's reaction towards that. I mean, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HOW MY FUTURE GONNA TURN OUT ANYWAY? How do you know that I will never succeed in future? Why you all have to be so pessimistic about my future prospect? Why you guys are actually expecting me TO FAIL IN LIFE just because of what I AM NOW? You are not even in my own shoes for god's sake! And to be frank, all of you have little position in deciding how my life's gonna be just like you all always said: "YOU DECIDE YOURSELF, ITS YOUR OWN LIFE ANYWAY."

*calm down*

What triggers me tow write this post is definitely a series of recent event but one of them which strike the chord the most the one from AIESEC. (if you people really read my previous post, I attended their briefing about AIESEC restructuring/refoundation plan and recruitment drive.) One of the major keyword that they were stressed on is the word "MINDSET" in finding the people with the correct mindset and bringing out their potential to be a leader. After all, one of the core values of AIESEC is to activate leadership. One of the drastic change that they mention in rebuilding LCUSM is that they will keep their membership closely control and in the process of leadership training, identify the TRUE potential from the rest. And their induction conference are true to their new way, which is Inspiring, Nurturing and Searching for Potential In the Realm of Elitism.

Elite...huh? Occupying the top echelon, leaders of all people. Then, WHAT ABOUT THE REST? And that's why I will never picture myself as a leader of other people because I am much more comfortable being with everyone than being all alone up there. And the problem of leader is that most of them are looking upward only and neglecting everyone down there. Selfish it is. Besides, I don't exactly like the idea of being exposed to everyone and scrutinized from top to bottom. After all, leaders are usually the first of being shot when something goes wrong (Hey, the higher you climb, the harder you fall. That's logic, right?) or worse, using the rest of us as human wall when something goes wrong. The leaders always have the unfair advantage against the rest of the ordinary people and use us in their bidding. Most of them are almost...inhuman when they are in their position while forgetting the fact that we form the base of the pyramid.

Another thing that I wish to understand is ordinary vs successful. Personally, I feel that being a leader in everything is seriously overrated and this so called reaching for higher goal mentality is a plot in making being ordinariness a SINFUL act. What's wrong if I am satisfied with my life right now? What's wrong if I walk a slower pace? What's wrong if I play save and not taking the risk? What's wrong if I only play in the sandbox? (I can still make a beautiful sand castle out of it, right?!) The point is that everyone have their own niche to fill in life and if we can achieve a proper life within that niche, then its fine already. No need to be so greedy wanting to be the best if you are already have something that you are already good at.

As for my future plan regarding all the responsibilities and such, I am always ready to cut it down one by one according to my needs anytime I want in order to concentrate in the what I really wanted to: maintaining my position in studies while making myself comfortable. In fact, one of them, distancing myself from official AIESEC stuff is already executed. (To Rubi, Ching and Serena: I am really sorry and you guys are a greatest bunch of people ever. I had met a lot of good friend ever and had lots of fun. Unfortunately, thats about it. Apparently I don't have the correct mindset to make myself to be more active in AIESEC especially in rebuilding LCUSM. And yes, I am perasan with all the talk about mindset.)

I know all this look irresponsible, but when the thing turns into something that I don't exactly want, I am pretty much ready to forfeit it...especially about the stuff that I am not exactly beria-ia in the first place. I will only work hard for the stuff that I really want and that will most likely making me happy and satisfied.

Last but not least, SCREW ALL DETRACTORS.

ZheRong is now at Istimewa, ranting about craps of life.

Epilogue: Talking about dissatisfaction: I am not 100% satisfied myself with this blogpost. It somehow lacks tangibility and oomph...hmm...need to wrok extra hard in order to produce a more oomph-ful blogpost!