Yesterday 13th of August.
All assignments: handed up in time.
Body: Amazingly, intact
Soul: Exhausted.
Body: Amazingly, intact
Soul: Exhausted.
Unfortunately, something else had to be the victim of circumstances…
Projects and responsibility: Fell through. FAILED. GONE. CANCELLED.
On my own accord/decision.
Because of technicality.
Because of time constraint.
or maybe, just maybe...
simply because...
and I don't feel like I am capable to pull it off...
I don't feel like doin' it
Because of time constraint.
or maybe, just maybe...
simply because...
and I don't feel like I am capable to pull it off...
I don't feel like doin' it
I did not prepare and hand in the project proposal in time to the Student Affairs.
Delaying it into 2nd semester is not an option because we all know that 2nd sem is the busiest time in an academic year.
It was supposed to be the simplest project of all.
And I still manage to fail a project before a project takes off.
I was given an earful of grilling by Lydia (who was understandably and justifiable, FRUSTRATED) during the previous meeting when I suggested to cancel this project (which later albeit reluctantly by Romie, to approve the cancellation of the project.
I feel miserable.
Because it's almost totally correct.
Throughout the rest of the meeting, with them discussing about electing a 2nd vice president, I was sitting in front of my laptop, feeling desolated, alone, useless.
Like a dog licking his own wound.
I personally, do anticipated that I will get any sort of grilling before suggesting it before I never knew its gonna be this miserable.
Reality
is.
cruel.
is.
cruel.
Yes, I do admit that it was wholly my mistake for not making the initiative to enquire and finish up the kertas kerja. And I do spend quite a while contemplating about what did Lydia said to me.
Unfortunately though, there was one particular thing that I perasan or terasa from that episode which is "achieving dean's list through out all your academic year" and such. (I can't remember the exact line but...)
Yeah, I got it...again. Hopefully can continue the momentum. This is the slide during the ceremony, held on the auspicious date of 08.08.08. Unfortunately for me though, the coming week proved to be one of the worst week that I had...so far.
So now even my own hardwork for myself are in question, by other people and now myself.
These sentiments pops out all the time and it makes me think: what’s the point that I get Dean’s list and achieve academic excellence when no one else are actually cared much about it? Academic excellence these days tend to be sidelined and relegated to secondary or worse position in priority. In this world of over elitism and over attention in being the leader in everything, giving full attention to academics and thinking is not important anymore.
Besides, this kind of hardwork is a whole different level of hardwork and I think it is extremely unfair if we ever questioned hardwork in academics and neglecting it in favor of other kind hardwork. So am I not hardworking just because I gave my 100% on one thing and less on the other? Am I irresponsible if I being responsible to myself more than I am being responsible to other things?
“Do-ers” and “Go-getters” are SO in the demand in this world even though their level of thinking is sub par. The only think they need to do is to convince the rest of the people into believing him and make something out in appeasing them. Once you look into it though, what they did is actually not much. And very often what they say and what they did are akin to liars and cheaters and just want to make themselves look better.
......
…what?
You say I shouldn’t say like that?
You say that I am indeed look like a dog licking his own wound?
You say I am just a useless piece of jerk who only knows how to say and never do anything.
You say when I am in this position I should be responsible about it than just to perform the basic ones.
You say that I am wrong.
…Fine.
I am just sulking. I am just depressed. I just want to make a statement. Being surrounded by the better people (like him, him, her, him, her, him, and all sorts of other people that I connected to me) sometimes makes me depress and insecure. What am I when I compared myself to them? Compared to them, I am just as insignificant as anyone else.
I can't even swim and ride a bike for pete's sake!
Sometimes I wonder where my niche in life is.
Sometimes I wonder whether my life is going on the right course.
Just when I am confident about where am I going to be, something pops up and doubt it again.
Why can’t I just be myself?
Why other people wants me to be the one they want me to be?
Everytime I want to say something else, people will just struck me down, silencing me while deriding everything that I say as mere excuses. People rarely listen.
Hence, HERE, ending up as pure rant in my blog.
Epilogue: Ouch. This is indeed pure rant as points pop up everywhere and disorganized. But you know, the train of thought, being a train needs time to slow down. And this train is quite hard to stop. *wink*
And to any real people in real life mentioned here esp Lydia: I am extremely sorry because I let you guys down. And the content over here is not exclusively refers to any one of you but everything about reality in general. Plus I need to update my blog and finding a place to rant about away my frustration. Putting rants into writing is a very good de-stress techniques. And I am actually feeling way better now as people who read this will get the message somewhat!
For anyone else that actually "terasa" though, please watch out your words and emotion when attempting to reply. This is my turf and I have my right to define what is flame and what is constructive criticism. *donning flame proof suits and armed with flame thrower*
I rest my case.
Unfortunately though, there was one particular thing that I perasan or terasa from that episode which is "achieving dean's list through out all your academic year" and such. (I can't remember the exact line but...)
Yeah, I got it...again. Hopefully can continue the momentum. This is the slide during the ceremony, held on the auspicious date of 08.08.08. Unfortunately for me though, the coming week proved to be one of the worst week that I had...so far.So now even my own hardwork for myself are in question, by other people and now myself.
These sentiments pops out all the time and it makes me think: what’s the point that I get Dean’s list and achieve academic excellence when no one else are actually cared much about it? Academic excellence these days tend to be sidelined and relegated to secondary or worse position in priority. In this world of over elitism and over attention in being the leader in everything, giving full attention to academics and thinking is not important anymore.
Besides, this kind of hardwork is a whole different level of hardwork and I think it is extremely unfair if we ever questioned hardwork in academics and neglecting it in favor of other kind hardwork. So am I not hardworking just because I gave my 100% on one thing and less on the other? Am I irresponsible if I being responsible to myself more than I am being responsible to other things?
“Do-ers” and “Go-getters” are SO in the demand in this world even though their level of thinking is sub par. The only think they need to do is to convince the rest of the people into believing him and make something out in appeasing them. Once you look into it though, what they did is actually not much. And very often what they say and what they did are akin to liars and cheaters and just want to make themselves look better.
......
…what?
You say I shouldn’t say like that?
You say that I am indeed look like a dog licking his own wound?
You say I am just a useless piece of jerk who only knows how to say and never do anything.
You say when I am in this position I should be responsible about it than just to perform the basic ones.
You say that I am wrong.
…Fine.
I am just sulking. I am just depressed. I just want to make a statement. Being surrounded by the better people (like him, him, her, him, her, him, and all sorts of other people that I connected to me) sometimes makes me depress and insecure. What am I when I compared myself to them? Compared to them, I am just as insignificant as anyone else.
I can't even swim and ride a bike for pete's sake!
Sometimes I wonder where my niche in life is.
Sometimes I wonder whether my life is going on the right course.
Just when I am confident about where am I going to be, something pops up and doubt it again.
Why can’t I just be myself?
Why other people wants me to be the one they want me to be?
Everytime I want to say something else, people will just struck me down, silencing me while deriding everything that I say as mere excuses. People rarely listen.
Hence, HERE, ending up as pure rant in my blog.
Epilogue: Ouch. This is indeed pure rant as points pop up everywhere and disorganized. But you know, the train of thought, being a train needs time to slow down. And this train is quite hard to stop. *wink*
And to any real people in real life mentioned here esp Lydia: I am extremely sorry because I let you guys down. And the content over here is not exclusively refers to any one of you but everything about reality in general. Plus I need to update my blog and finding a place to rant about away my frustration. Putting rants into writing is a very good de-stress techniques. And I am actually feeling way better now as people who read this will get the message somewhat!
For anyone else that actually "terasa" though, please watch out your words and emotion when attempting to reply. This is my turf and I have my right to define what is flame and what is constructive criticism. *donning flame proof suits and armed with flame thrower*
I rest my case.
2 comments:
"Compared to them, I am just as insignificant as anyone else."
You're not. This proves it:
"Sometimes I wonder where my niche in life is.
Sometimes I wonder whether my life is going on the right course."
There, you're still on your own journey. Unless you're on someone else's journey then you can be said to be less significant than others.
"Why can’t I just be myself?"
None of us are our true selfs yet. In the end we will either be the best we could ever be, or a ghastly shadow of someone else.
"Why other people wants me to be the one they want me to be?"
People naturally want to dominate. They want the thoughts, emotions, and ideologies of others to merely be an extension of their own thoughts, emotions, and ideologies. They want to digest others. Others must make room within themselves to allow these monsters to project their own egosims through them.
If you don't make way, you are being very selfish =)
See why so many are no longer persons but shadows? I still hear you loud and clear.
Well, either that or they want you empower yourself and be a better person, which isn't a very bad thing. If they care about you, that's what they want. If not, they are the hungry ones I mentioned earlier.
Thumbs up ZR!
Thank you, Paul. Your insights are indeed...insightful. (and this proves that I am right for one of the questions in the tag that you tagged me for! lolx)
I think it all came down to the comfort zone issues. And in fact, many people point it out already back then until now...its just that...I am still very insecure most of the time...
And yes I do appreciate those who genuinely cares about me but please give me time. Unfortunately sometimes people just want to remind me how short time is now for me....and it makes me question their genuineness...
And as you can see, I am very confused and disoriented.
Post a Comment